My holy pants have a crack in them

A Florida man went bananas in a con­ve­nience store ear­lier this week, strip­ping off every stitch of his cloth­ing and even­tu­ally telling cops that he was a mon­key.  Daylen Hol­lo­man was ini­tially the one who called 911 and near the end of the call, the dis­patcher asked Hol­lo­man what his name was and he said, “It’s Mon­key.”  When cops were sent to check out what was hap­pen­ing, Hol­lo­man repeated his claim to that name, at which point a deputy joked that mon­keys don’t wear clothes – a com­ment that got the 20-year-old to get naked in mid-store, earn­ing an inde­cent expo­sure charges.

Jef­frey Wag­ner, who was described as “unsteady on his feet,” walked into a Burling­ton Coat Fac­tory store, got down on his hands and knees and began suck­ing the lint out of the car­pet cov­er­ing the shoe sec­tion. He admit­ted that he’d been using crys­tal meth over the course of the day, and that doing so made him want to eat “sparkles” – which he appar­ently found on the store floor. Police arrived at the scene, and found Wag­ner car­ry­ing Lortabs, a bag of crys­tal meth, a bag of mys­te­ri­ous white pow­der and a bag of uniden­ti­fied pills. He was charged with pos­ses­sion of a con­trolled sub­stance and pub­lic intoxication.

pantsA Florida man who was found to have a pock­et­ful of drugs told cops that he couldn’t have com­mit­ted the crime of drug pos­ses­sion – because he’d just stole the pants he was wear­ing, and hadn’t even checked the pock­ets. Johnny McCoy was ini­tially detained for rid­ing a bicy­cle with­out the nec­es­sary lights, and when cops asked if he had any­thing ille­gal on his per­son, he said no – but when an offi­cer checked his pants’ pock­ets, he found a hand­ful of crack rocks. McCoy insisted he had no idea about the his­tory of the trav­el­ing pants, since he’d just stolen them from a church. He’s being held on drug charges.

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