Chuck Norris is a Bishop

When Kent Hen­drix woke up yes­ter­day to his teenage son telling him some­one was being attacked in front of their house, he did what any self-respecting Mor­mon bishop/martial arts instructor/fourth-degree black belt holder/weapons col­lec­tor
would do: He grabbed his Samu­rai sword, ran out­side, drew the sword on the attacker, and then ran after the man—barefoot. Sus­pect Grant Egger­sten got away, but Hen­drix picked up a Chap­Stick he dropped and mem­o­rized his license plate. “I yelled at him, ‘I’ve got your DNA and I’ve got your license plate: You are so done,’” Hen­drix recalls. Egger­sten turned him­self in about an hour later, the AP reports.  There has to be a Chuck Nor­ris joke in here some­where…

A thief in Britain decided to switch gears after swip­ing a bicy­cle – by return­ing the two-wheeler, along with a sweet apol­ogy – which included a coupon for a free dessert at Domino’s! In a note left with the bike, which was brought back undam­aged, the per­pe­tra­tor said she was “straight white girl wasted” when she ped­aled off with­out per­mis­sion – blam­ing the fact that buses had stopped and she didn’t have enough cash for a cab. She even went on to com­pli­ment the bike as “a lus­ciously smooth ride” and left behind a coupon for a free piece of choco­late lava cake as pay­ment for the unau­tho­rized rental. The coupon was expired, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

man under bedRoman­ian man Mar­ius Ionescu was ran­sack­ing a home he’d bro­ken into when he heard a loud noise and pan­icked, hid­ing under a bed and call­ing police to report the intruder. When the offi­cers arrived at the address, they con­ducted a search and found just one per­son on the premises – Mar­ius, still cow­er­ing in the bed­room. A spokesper­son for the police depart­ment said, “The noise he heard was prob­a­bly just the fam­ily cat. He already has a crim­i­nal record for sim­i­lar break-ins, and given his ner­vous dis­po­si­tion, he prob­a­bly should look for another job.”

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