t9pahohA Pennsylvania man who littered the police blotter with crimes will be caged for several years — despite the fact that he says he was just doing the bidding of a talking cat. James Anthony Shroyer stole a car that he used to rob a bank before ramming a police cruiser — offenses he insists he was pressured into by the felonious feline, who followed him around telling him to break the law. The judge who sentenced him to five years behind bars also ordered him to undergo a mental health evaluation — which seems like a purr-fectly sane idea.

A handful of Connecticut residents did not get a very good reception from their local police – after they flooded 911 with complaints that their cable had gone out. The cranky couch potatoes were enraged when their viewing schedules were interrupted on Sunday night, so they decided to turn to emergency dispatchers to settle the problem – which didn’t sit well with cops in the ritzy town of Fairfield. Rather than go door to door handing out summonses to the violators, the department opted to use its Facebook page to issue a warning that calling 911 for trivial matters is a crime. The show they were missing out on? Breaking Bad.

A Seattle-area man is awaiting a hearing on charges from a brawl in which he bit off, and may have swallowed, the ear of a stranger. The incident started when Artemio Prado attempted to relieve himself in the front yard of the victim, who informed him that his lawn didn’t need watering. Prado then attempted to take a nap on the property, at which point the incident turned physical, culminating in the 6-foot-6 intruder picking up the homeowner and biting off his ear. Cops arrived on the scene to find Prado running away with blood dripping down his chin. A police report says, “He stated that he would like to apologize to the victim, because he himself wouldn’t want some drunk guy biting off his ear. He doesn’t remember whether he ingested the ear, but said that it would be ‘gross’ if an ear was in his stomach.”

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