Flying Spaghetti Monsters and Bleeding Urethral Meatus!


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Mem­bers of the satir­i­cal Church of the Fly­ing Spaghetti Mon­ster were detained in Moscow for hold­ing an unsanc­tioned “pasta pro­ces­sion” in the city. The Church, which refers to its adher­ents as “Pasta­far­i­ans,” said the “pasta pro­ces­sion” in Moscow was held Sat­ur­day to cel­e­brate the birth­day of actor Robert De Niro, who played a char­ac­ter nick­named “Noo­dles” in Ser­gio Leone’s 1984 film “Once Upon A Time In Amer­ica,” but the event was bro­ken up by riot police and Ortho­dox activist Dmitri Enteo’s “God’s Will” group. “Guys, because of the dis­per­sion by riot police and provo­ca­tions by Enteo and Co the Ramen [noo­dles] eat­ing arrange­ment is can­celed,” the Church of the Fly­ing Spaghetti Mon­ster said on its web­site. Moscow police con­firmed eight of the Pasta­far­i­ans were detained for “attempt­ing to hold an unsanc­tioned rally.”

Author­i­ties say a man dri­ving a truck with police lights on top made a cru­cial mis­step dur­ing a bogus police stop in north­ern New Mex­ico. Police say the two men he pulled over for speed­ing were real state police agents in an unmarked vehi­cle. Accord­ing to New Mex­ico State Police, 26-year-old John Shel­ton, of Logan, was arrested Wednes­day fol­low­ing the sham traf­fic stop in San Miguel County. Inves­ti­ga­tors say Shel­ton had a pis­tol on his hip and told the agents he was a mem­ber of the New Mex­ico State Police Search and Res­cue and a trained law enforce­ment offi­cer — some­thing offi­cials later dis­cov­ered wasn’t true. Shel­ton is fac­ing charges of imper­son­at­ing an offi­cer. It was not clear if Shel­ton had an attorney.

Men of the world, here’s a piece of advice: There are many ways to bring your­self some hap­pi­ness, but stick­ing a fork into it isn’t one of them. Just ask the 70-year-old Aus­tralian man who was rushed to the hos­pi­tal after he attempted that very feat. Accord­ing to a report pub­lished in the Inter­na­tional Jour­nal of Surgery Cases ear­lier this month, the Can­berra man was admit­ted to the hos­pi­tal with “bleed­ing ure­thral mea­tus” after he stuffed a 4-inch fork into his ure­thra in an attempt to achieve some grat­i­fi­ca­tion. For­tu­nately, the report says the fork was suc­cess­fully removed using for­ceps and “copi­ous lubri­ca­tion.” Accord­ing to a 2010 study on the sub­ject, the “uro­log­i­cal con­se­quences of this type of behav­ior can be sig­nif­i­cant and the impli­ca­tions for patients can be seri­ous includ­ing death from sepsis.”

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