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A California man was arrested after making more than 100 calls to 911 in the past month.  Jimmy Shao says that CIA operatives were using satellites in an effort to do him harm, insisting, “They squeeze my brain, they press my stomach, they stir my intestines … 911 is only place where I can reach for public help to rescue me from the satellite control.” Dispatchers, who see it differently, say that Shao spends up to seven minutes per call ranting about the CIA and other conspiracies, leading them to seek his arrest. But even after a stint behind bars, he says he has no plans to shift gears, noting, “I will keep calling if they don’t stop [physically abusing] me, physically assaulting me!”

In Western Sweden a mother elk gave birth in the middle of highway 44, and then ran off, leaving the newborn calf on its own. The incident caused two cars to collide while trying to avoid the brand new calf and there were no injuries. Police officers were able to reunite the calf with its mother. “They are in the woods now and everything got a happy ending,” said Bjor Blixter.

chicken-bikiniGeorgia cops got more than they bargained for when they were called to move a disturbed woman from the porch of a local business – only to have her claim she had gotten God’s permission to stay there … right after he told her not to listen to the “alien zombies” sent to shoo her away. The unidentified woman, who was not violent, offered the responding officers a good deal of advice while dodging their attempts to get her to leave. She suggested that they battle local drug dealers with a “pets against meth” campaign, floated the idea of staging beauty pageants with no losers, and revealed her plan to have the area’s chickens all wear bikinis. She finally agreed to accompany the deputies to her place – a non-working car named “Old Bessy” that she kept in a nearby McDonald’s parking lot.

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