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A Cal­i­for­nia man was arrested after mak­ing more than 100 calls to 911 in the past month.  Jimmy Shao says that CIA oper­a­tives were using satel­lites in an effort to do him harm, insist­ing, “They squeeze my brain, they press my stom­ach, they stir my intestines … 911 is only place where I can reach for pub­lic help to res­cue me from the satel­lite con­trol.” Dis­patch­ers, who see it dif­fer­ently, say that Shao spends up to seven min­utes per call rant­ing about the CIA and other con­spir­a­cies, lead­ing them to seek his arrest. But even after a stint behind bars, he says he has no plans to shift gears, not­ing, “I will keep call­ing if they don’t stop [phys­i­cally abus­ing] me, phys­i­cally assault­ing me!”

In West­ern Swe­den a mother elk gave birth in the mid­dle of high­way 44, and then ran off, leav­ing the new­born calf on its own. The inci­dent caused two cars to col­lide while try­ing to avoid the brand new calf and there were no injuries. Police offi­cers were able to reunite the calf with its mother. “They are in the woods now and every­thing got a happy end­ing,” said Bjor Blixter.

chicken-bikiniGeor­gia cops got more than they bar­gained for when they were called to move a dis­turbed woman from the porch of a local busi­ness – only to have her claim she had got­ten God’s per­mis­sion to stay there … right after he told her not to lis­ten to the “alien zom­bies” sent to shoo her away. The uniden­ti­fied woman, who was not vio­lent, offered the respond­ing offi­cers a good deal of advice while dodg­ing their attempts to get her to leave. She sug­gested that they bat­tle local drug deal­ers with a “pets against meth” cam­paign, floated the idea of stag­ing beauty pageants with no losers, and revealed her plan to have the area’s chick­ens all wear biki­nis. She finally agreed to accom­pany the deputies to her place – a non-working car named “Old Bessy” that she kept in a nearby McDonald’s park­ing lot.

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