Kiss me, I’m cardboard - A Massachusetts man who happens to be a registered sex offender was arrested last weekend after trying to have his way with a victim who couldn’t say a word to stop him. Apparently, he walked into a pharmacy, approached the sunglass display and began kissing and fondling the cardboard cutout of a woman that was part of the advertising. Onlookers described the 57-year-old as “intoxicated” — an assessment that was confirmed when he fell down and began shouting at other customers. This is the kind of story that causes weird laws like “you cannot make out with a cardboard cutout while intoxicated”
Dumb Dumb! - Three Alabama men who robbed a pizza guy at gunpoint made off with a decent amount of dough — but wound up being busted by a mislaid pizza box. The delivery dude was summoned to an address that didn’t exist, and when he got out of his car to scope out the situation, he was approached by three men who accosted him, stealing his wallet and the pie they had ordered to lure him there in the first place. They might have gotten away with the caper if they’d been more careful with their trash — since cops searching the area found the discarded pizza box in the back seat of a car registered to one of them. All are being held on $25,000 bond.
Pah-ty head - A 26-year-old British man paid a shameful visit to the fire station . He was playing the party game “can you fit this object over your head” when the fun went a little too far. After approximately two hours of wriggling around, the man called the fire station, where trained professionals managed to remove the toilet seat using cutting equipment. “He looked rather flushed when he arrived but relieved when we managed to get the toilet seat off him,” said crew manager Michael Burdern. Though he got the toilet seat over his head, it remains unclear whether the man won the drinking game.