Monday 2/11


Cops respond­ing to a 911 call found a car in a ditch with a woman in the passenger’s seat, bleed­ing and ram­bling about some­one try­ing to kill her. They then found a cell phone that had a pro­file cor­re­spond­ing to a man named Joel Lank­ford – who, coin­ci­den­tally, was spot­ted loi­ter­ing on a nearby porch. He told a sec­ond set of offi­cers that he had been brought to the house by extra-terrestrials, a story they attrib­uted to the fact that he smelled strongly of alco­hol and was “very unsteady” on his feet.

Live Sci­ence reports police caught on to the 23-year-old after he was arrested for bit­ing and stab­bing peo­ple in an effort to col­lect blood. He also had his father bring him bags of blood from a blood bank. Doc­tors have traced the man’s behav­ior to trau­mas dat­ing back to his child­hood. His mother’s ten­dency to “freak out” and attack him may have trig­gered his mul­ti­ple per­son­al­i­ties. But his trau­mas in later life were more severe, includ­ing the death of his 4-year-old daugh­ter, the killing of his uncle, and the sight of a mur­der in which “one of his friends cut off the victim’s head.” Six weeks after his treat­ment, doc­tors found his blood-lust in remis­sion but dis­so­cia­tive symp­toms ongo­ing. The man also said his “drugs were merely sleep­ing pills, they would not cure him.”  Doc­tors also claim that they found all 4 Twi­light movies under­neath his hos­pi­tal bed.

dirty cellphoneA pris­oner in the Asian coun­try of Sri Lanka gave new mean­ing to the term “booty call” when he tried to smug­gle a cell phone into jail inside a body cav­ity – only to have his plan crushed when some­one called … and his butt started ring­ing off the hook. It’s not the first time an inmate at the prison was busted for a sim­i­lar offense: Back in Novem­ber, two dozen peo­ple were killed in a riot that was sparked by a sim­i­lar confiscation.

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