An Oklahoma politician is demanding a recount in an election he just lost, saying the winning candidate is unfit to serve. Timothy Ray Murray, a Republican who got just five percent of the vote against incumbent Frank Lucas, says that he should be declared the winner – because Lucas was killed two years ago and replaced with a robotic body double. Murray insists that he has proof that Lucas was arrested in Ukraine and hanged in public – by sinister forces who returned the cyborg in his place. Murray, who says he should be declared the winner by default, says, “I am a human, born in Oklahoma, and I will never use a look-alike to replace my (The Office’s) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have.” Lucas maintains that he is alive and denies ever setting foot in Ukraine.
Mary Downey of New York City was drunk when she fell off the subway platform and onto the tracks. She laid on the tracks as not one, but three trains rolled right over her. She was finally rescued after the operator of the third train saw her waving for help. Downey, who was able to avoid being killed by squeezing herself between the two rails, injured her shoulder, her leg and her hip but is expected to recover – and rush out to buy a lottery ticket!
A Florida man has given new meaning to the term “fanny pack.” Tyrone Booker was swept up in a sting near Jacksonville and tossed into a patrol car, where a dashboard camera recorded footage of him taking some greenbacks out of his wallet and depositing them in his “vault.” An act he denied while being interrogated at the precinct. When informed that he’d be taken to a hospital for forcible removal of the dirty money, Booker admitted to the scam and purged what seemed like $400 worth – although officers were unable, or unwilling, to count it because it was covered in “biohazard.”