Robot politicians

An Okla­homa politi­cian is demand­ing a recount in an elec­tion he just lost, say­ing the win­ning can­di­date is unfit to serve. Tim­o­thy Ray Robot manMur­ray, a Repub­li­can who got just five per­cent of the vote against incum­bent Frank Lucas, says that he should be declared the win­ner – because Lucas was killed two years ago and replaced with a robotic body dou­ble. Mur­ray insists that he has proof that Lucas was arrested in Ukraine and hanged in pub­lic – by sin­is­ter forces who returned the cyborg in his place. Mur­ray, who says he should be declared the win­ner by default, says, “I am a human, born in Okla­homa, and I will never use a look-alike to replace my (The Office’s) mes­sage to you or to any­one else, as both the other Repub­li­can Chal­lengers have.” Lucas main­tains that he is alive and denies ever set­ting foot in Ukraine.
Mary Downey of New York City was drunk when she fell off the sub­way plat­form and onto the tracks. She laid on the tracks as not one, but three trains rolled right over her. She was finally res­cued after the oper­a­tor of the third train saw her wav­ing for help. Downey, who was able to avoid being killed by squeez­ing her­self between the two rails, injured her shoul­der, her leg and her hip but is expected to recover – and rush out to buy a lot­tery ticket!
A Florida man has given new mean­ing to the term “fanny pack.” Tyrone Booker was swept up in a sting near Jack­sonville and tossed into a patrol car, where a dash­board cam­era recorded footage of him tak­ing some green­backs out of his wal­let and deposit­ing them in his “vault.” An act he denied while being inter­ro­gated at the precinct. When informed that he’d be taken to a hos­pi­tal for forcible removal of the dirty money, Booker admit­ted to the scam and purged what seemed like $400 worth – although offi­cers were unable, or unwill­ing, to count it because it was cov­ered in “biohazard.”

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