Thursday 8/9

An Illi­nois man was arrested for walk­ing the street naked and cov­ered in Crisco.  Chad William For­ber was said to be vis­i­bly intox­i­cated when he was stopped by cops in the town of Rock Island. He told the offi­cers that he’d taken off his shorts, which he was car­ry­ing, because they were too big and wouldn’t stay on. He for­got to men­tion that they also con­tained sev­eral grams of meth, although when cops asked about the drug, For­ber admit­ted it was his – and said he was just look­ing for a place to party. That kind of puts a spin on “there’s party in my pants!”  Except this invite landed him in jail for 5 years

A naked and drunk Cana­dian man had been arrested while cavort­ing on a street with a beer in one hand and a cheese­burger in the other in Char­lot­te­town.  Jail offi­cers sus­pected the man had also ingested drugs, so he was ordered to undress in a cell for obser­va­tion. The man report­edly asked guards if they were famil­iar with the ani­mated char­ac­ter Cyril Sneer, an evil pink aard­vark. Appar­ently he bent over and began danc­ing like the char­ac­ter and dur­ing his per­for­mance out popped (can you guess from where, kids?) a plas­tic con­tainer hold­ing four doses of the pow­er­ful painkiller Hydro­mor­phone.  Troy Camp­bell pleaded guilty to drug pos­ses­sion and was fined $805.

A Ken­tucky man is fac­ing a vari­ety of charges after ask­ing to use the restroom in a con­ve­nience store, then try­ing to leave the scene after set­ting the toi­let seat on fire. What the heck did he eat???  When James Crit­ten­den was con­fronted by an employee, he told the man that he’d set the blaze for reli­gious rea­sons. Crit­ten­den shouldn’t have had the chance to wor­ship at the throne at this par­tic­u­lar store any­way – he’d been banned just two weeks ear­lier after bust­ing open sev­eral cans of whipped top­ping in order to huff the aerosol inside. When busted on that count, he claimed that he had a con­sti­tu­tional right to huff.  He now faces arson and dis­or­derly con­duct charges.

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