Wednesday 2/22

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Spinning his wheels – A disabled thug in Florida managed to pull off a robbery but totally botch the getaway. The inappropriately-named John Champion held up a convenience store at knifepoint and told the clerk he wasn’t concerned about getting caught because cops would “never arrest a handicapped person.” Champion proved to be a poor judge of police behavior, because they showed up just a few minutes later and found him sipping a stolen Bud Light Lime in his getaway vehicle — which had gotten lodged in the sand behind the store.

So I said to myself, “Self…” – A Pennsylvania man wound up behind bars after going to a police station to turn in the guy who robbed a local Chinese restaurant — one of his other personalities.  Timothy Beer walked into the precinct, complaining that he wasn’t feeling well and worried that he’d “done something stupid.” He says he was trying to order dinner but became angry when he thought the restaurant’s employees were speaking Chinese. The next thing he recalls is playing video games at his cousin’s home. Beer confessed that he first came to the conclusion that he was guilty after reading about the crime in his local paper.

Putting the “P” in stuPid – Michael Harper and an accomplice had broken into a power plant to steal copper wiring, which they planned to sell in order to buy heroin. But part way through the process, Harper felt a wee bit of urgency and proceeded to relieve himself onto exposed electrical wires — resulting in a fireball that caused disfiguring burns to his privates.

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