Wednesday 2/22


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Spin­ning his wheels - A dis­abled thug in Florida man­aged to pull off a rob­bery but totally botch the get­away. The inappropriately-named John Cham­pion held up a con­ve­nience store at knife­point and told the clerk he wasn’t con­cerned about get­ting caught because cops would “never arrest a hand­i­capped per­son.” Cham­pion proved to be a poor judge of police behav­ior, because they showed up just a few min­utes later and found him sip­ping a stolen Bud Light Lime in his get­away vehi­cle — which had got­ten lodged in the sand behind the store.

So I said to myself, “Self…” - A Penn­syl­va­nia man wound up behind bars after going to a police sta­tion to turn in the guy who robbed a local Chi­nese restau­rant — one of his other per­son­al­i­ties.  Tim­o­thy Beer walked into the precinct, com­plain­ing that he wasn’t feel­ing well and wor­ried that he’d “done some­thing stu­pid.” He says he was try­ing to order din­ner but became angry when he thought the restaurant’s employ­ees were speak­ing Chi­nese. The next thing he recalls is play­ing video games at his cousin’s home. Beer con­fessed that he first came to the con­clu­sion that he was guilty after read­ing about the crime in his local paper.

Putting the “P” in stu­Pid — Michael Harper and an accom­plice had bro­ken into a power plant to steal cop­per wiring, which they planned to sell in order to buy heroin. But part way through the process, Harper felt a wee bit of urgency and pro­ceeded to relieve him­self onto exposed elec­tri­cal wires — result­ing in a fire­ball that caused dis­fig­ur­ing burns to his privates.

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