Wednesday 8/22

An Indi­ana man couldn’t walk a straight line, but he sure could tell cops a straight story when he was arrested for expos­ing him­self in a hos­pi­tal park­ing lot – telling them, “I’m just being a drunken a-hole tonight.” Ty Alsop was taken to the hos­pi­tal ear­lier that night, soaked in urine and reek­ing of liquor – a combo that led to author­i­ties find­ing a blood alco­hol level nearly five times the legal limit when he was tested. The 21-year-old caused a ruckus for more than three hours in the E.R., finally escap­ing in a hos­pi­tal gown when a nurse went off to call his par­ents. Accord­ing to the arrest report, “He man­aged to sneak by the hos­pi­tal staff and walk to the park­ing lot wear­ing only his hos­pi­tal gown, which was split down the back with the but­tocks fully exposed.”

A top-heavy Russ­ian woman really turned out to have a killer rack – as cops found out when they arrested her for killing an elderly neigh­bor using her bare … bra! The uniden­ti­fied woman got into a tus­sle with the man after she went to his home and requested a loan so that she and her boyfriend could go out and get drunk. She punched and scratched the 65-year-old, but found out that wasn’t doing her much good, so she took off her bra and began chok­ing him with it, even­tu­ally stran­gling him. She’s cur­rently await­ing trial.

The secret to a good crime is loca­tion, loca­tion, loca­tion – a les­son that was lost on a Florida man who decided to break into the trunk of a parked car … inside the lot of his local police sta­tion. Richard Owens didn’t have to go far to choose the vehi­cle – he’d just been released from cus­tody on tres­pass­ing charges an hour or so before. When the deputy who’d booked him noticed Owens lurk­ing around, he asked him about the appar­ent bur­glary – only to have him say that he was pick­ing a lock at the request of a friend who’d lost his keys. Unfor­tu­nately for the bum­bling ban­dit, he was actu­ally bust­ing into the trunk of an off-duty offi­cer – and earn­ing him­self a ticket straight back to jail.

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