You are now free to get into Heaven

Aachen Uni­ver­sity Hos­pi­tal says a 24-year-old man from Afghanistan sought help after suf­fer­ing for years from headaches, con­stant colds and wors­en­ing vision in one eye. A scan showed that a 10-centimeter (4-inch) pen­cil was lodged from his sinus to his phar­ynx and had injured his right eye socket. The unnamed man said he didn’t know how the pen­cil got there but recalled that he once fell badly as a child.

 heavenNew Jer­sey man Ari Mandel’s Ebay list­ing had net­ted a bid of $100,000 before mon­i­tors yanked it on grounds that intan­gi­ble items can­not be auc­tioned on the site. Man­del, who was raised an Ortho­dox Jew but now describes him­self as an athe­ist, said that he was con­vinced he was headed for a pos­i­tive out­come in the after­life because he’d per­formed good deeds, refused to wor­ship false gods and main­tained a diet that was “98 per­cent vegan.” What exactly was he try­ing to sell?  His spot in Heaven!  The 31-year-old admit­ted to being dis­ap­pointed in the out­come, but said, “Whether or not you’re a believer in this sort of thing, chill out.”

 Daniel Anfrey who was just released from jail and had had a drink too many tried to hold up a bank near Nor­mandy, France. But he couldn’t even man­age a brief escape because a teller had no trou­ble rec­og­niz­ing him through the under­wear he was using as a mask! Appar­ently, he vis­ited the branch quite often before his lit­tle heist had the cabosh put on it. The employee calmly told him that he should hand over his weapon – a pocket knife – and for­get about it.  He’s been sen­tenced to four months in prison and ordered to abstain from alco­hol while on probation

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